Would the Quizno’s Heir Get into Wesleyan?

Posted on June 5, 2008
Filed Under Media, Reading List | By Jessica Dye

Radar magazine wants to know: Can the hypothetical children of the rich-and-famous hypothetically get anything they want? A reporter posed as an assistant for the founder of Quizno’s and called Wesleyan University to see if “Jake Quiznos,” a made-up heir to the “Toasted!” fortune, could get the red carpet rolled out for his campus visit. To the credit of the anonymous admissions officer, the prospect of a Quiznos Library wasn’t enough to sidetrack officials…too much. Oh, and for future reference–”shoplifting poetry” is totally appropriate for application essays:

RADAR: Mr. Quiznos is a big fan of the arts. He donated the Quiznos Performing Arts Center in Minneapolis and is interested in any artistic support, so they’d have plenty to talk about.

WESLEYAN: And I think Mike would really appreciate speaking about that. The question will be about lunch, and whether Mr. Quiznos wants to sit in on the lunch with Jake, or have his own private lunch, if I arrange for Jake to have lunch with a student…

RADAR: Is there anything else you could tell me—maybe what you did with [Steven] Spielberg—that I could report back to Mr. Quiznos?

WESLEYAN: This is the kind of school where students can go to find themselves. It doesn’t matter who you are once you’re here. So if you’re looking for some anonymity, the students don’t care what your background is.

RADAR: So his last name won’t matter once he’s there?

WESLEYAN: No. If he wants to make it matter, then it’s up to him, but for most students—we do have affluent families who are here, and half the time you can’t single them out. We’re not that kind of school…

RADAR: Is that…worth using in his application—his shoplifting poetry?
WESLEYAN: Right. I wouldn’t even spend too much time on that now until he sees the school. It shouldn’t be what’s stressing him now. It should be what top schools he wants to apply to. His application would have to show redemption and remorse and say he really wants to take that next step in life.

Aside from a private tour and 20 minute chat-session with university president Michael Roth, it doesn’t seem like celebrity spawn are in for any special treatment–at least at Wesleyan. Now, if they’d posed as the college-aged child of Barack Obama…

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Comments

2 Responses to “Would the Quizno’s Heir Get into Wesleyan?”

  1. timmy bambarino on June 5th, 2008 6:05 pm

    thank you for the terrifying picture

  2. jimmy dugan on June 6th, 2008 3:22 pm

    agreed

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